Kevin, thanks for agreeing to let us post this dialogue on our website. Is there anything you would like to say to your prospective clients who will view this interview online?
Kevin: Wow, I never really thought about it that way. I get nervous sometimes when I’m in front of a lot of people. This is kind of like being in front of a lot of people.
Well, don’t be too nervous. Please tell us a little bit about yourself.
Kevin: Well, okay, I...
Kevin, we’ve been waiting several minutes, but we haven’t received the rest of your response.
Kevin: This is really kind of like being on T.V. or something.
No, it’s not. Just be yourself, and tell us a few things about your experience.
_
Kevin, are you still there?
Kevin: Yes, I’m here.
What can you tell us about your professional experience?
Kevin: Okay, well, here goes. I’ll start by telling you that I am a seasoned explorer of a very unique breed. I’m like an astronaut, only, whereas astronauts explore outer space with rocket ships, my adventure party and I explore inner space with various brands and doses of cold medicine. We all meet at the pharmacy in full Dungeons & Dragons garb, and we all drink our cough syrup at the same time. Then, we act out scenes from our role-playing the night before while we wait for the trip to kick in. Then, we play video games.
That’s interesting, but we really would also like to know about your experiences pertinent to the relationship in question, your proposed affiliation with our company and the specialized aptitude necessary for performing tasks requisite for such cooperation.
Kevin: My aptitude for performing in a relationship? Hey, what kind of operation is this? I’ll have you know that I have plenty of aptitude, regardless of what I might lack in experiences.
I see. Kevin, will this be your time working as a professional writer?
Kevin: Me? No, I did it before. You just refuse to believe it. You don’t want to think about it. But I’m going to show everybody. Darth Vadar is Luke Skywalker’s father. Nobody wanted to believe it, but it’s true.
Kevin, we have no reason not to believe what you tell us.
Kevin: Of course you do! It’s like, denial. It’s like when a mother refuses to believe that her son has a drug problem even after she finds him all strung out and broke and giving head to a smelly, fat guy in the back seat of the 1979 Ford Fairmont that became my home when I was just seventeen, just to get money for a fix, just so I didn’t have to knock down another old lady in the park for the money. It’s not that I haven’t knocked any of them down before, it’s just that I like to earn my sh.it instead, with sun tan lotion and large panty hoes, with a giant, blue bunny outfit and a frightened gerbil. Whatever it takes. I’m a survivor, goddamnit. A warrior, really.
Do you think that it is ethical for students to pay for model papers?
Kevin: Yes. Because they want it to come out just right. As a matter of fact, the reason it took me so long to send you my portfolio is that I hired a professional writer to compose my resume, cover letter, and the samples I gave you of my work. I really wanted it to come out just right.
Wait, you want to be a professional research writer, but you paid someone else to write the sample papers we requested?
Kevin: Yup.
But how do we know whether or not you are qualified to work for us?
Kevin: Well, you know about self-cleaning ovens, right? It’s like, an oven, but it cleans itself, but that is really hard for an oven to do.
Kevin, have you taken the time to really consider whether or not this kind of work is what you’d like to do?
Kevin: I also want to start up some sort of restaurant franchise.
Really? A breakfast place, or something up-scale with fancy décor and employees with accents?
Kevin: A breakfast place. I want to cook eggs.
Yes, many people are very particular about the way they like their eggs.
Kevin: I like over medium.
I always ask for over easy, but I usually get over medium. I think they are afraid I’ll get a disease if they don’t cook the eggs enough.
Kevin: Do you realize just how un-cooked an egg has to be for the transmission of salmonella? Over easy means white and runny. Send them back if the cook can’t follow instructions.
I do, and I tell them, ‘don’t cook my eggs for more than a minute. I like them runny.’
Kevin: After they get to know you, they’ll remember what you like. That’s what good customer service is all about.
Thank you. We hope you’ll be as creative in you academic writing as you were today :).
Kevin: Sure, you’re welcome! I’m an excellent writer indeed.
